anal diaries

For some weird reason, even though I have been diligently eating my vegs and drinking enough liquids, I have developed constipation. The annual morning shit at the office is no fun anymore. No more leisurely perusing the day’s copy of The Sun or having quiet conversations with God (I like praying when I’m in the loo. I’ve worried that this is disrespectful but I can’t seem to break myself out of the habit. Oh well, maybe the location doesn’t matter. I hope.) No more looking at the dots on the cubicle wall and imagining Yoda’s face on it. Now it’s just shallow breaths and straining (yes, yes, I know straining is bad).

After 3 miserable days, I finally gave in and went to see a doctor for my rectal woes. We talked, discussed, debated… but there was no getting out of the anal examination. So I stripped and lay on my side with one leg bent while nice doctor poked, prodded and finally penetrated (oohhh…cold!). Everytime she asked if it hurt and I answered no, she’d poke deeper. I got wise pretty quickly and said yes. Ha ha. Poking stopped and I farted quietly and discreetly. Yeay me! Anyway, doc said I can safely rule out cancer, anal fissures and warts. It’s just simple Stage 1 hemorrhoids which is apparently a very common affliction. Yeay me!

The story of course doesn’t end there. I now have weird ointments and suppositories for my dear ass and spicy foods have been deemed off limits. Sigh. There goes bonafide tomyam in Bangkok. Hmmm… but one or two sips can’t hurt kan? One doesn’t go to Siam every day…..

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